When I talk about Family Portraits, this conjures up some very interesting images for us. Even in MY family, these family times, where we are trying to get a snapshot of the “happy family” it is interesting what is going on in the background and the foreground in those moments right before the picture is snapped.
Ephesians 6:1-3 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Parents LOVE this verse. Raise your hand if you have ever used THIS verse? It’s popular.
But for SOME reason we rarely venture down the dark alleyway of TRUTH into the very NEXT verse. If you’re like me, you want to conveniently forget the next truth to dwell on the OBVIOUS! “Honor me, or die!” Right? It’s like the phrase made popular by iconic fathers like Bill Cosby, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.” If you’re in ministry like me, you may opt for the less popular, “I’m gonna KNOCK you out, and PRAY YOUBACK!” But listen to this:
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Whether or not you choose the whole passage or just a portion of it, it is still there, it still begs to be obeyed by BOTH parents and kids. What I want to do is to share some thoughts on the family.
Not because I have the perfect family, but because I am still learning and there are some things that God has reveled to ME in my almost 14 years of marriage and in my almost 11 years of having kids.
In our house there is a constant battle for the front seat. I am SURE that I did this as a kid and have forgotten, but this particular issue in MY family has sparked MORE conversations on putting OTHERS first because my kids are interested in that coveted position of riding shotgun. This is such an esteemed position that if you were to Google search there is a website devoted to the rules associated with helping you to WIN.
But if you want to win, if you want to win in your family, if you want to win in your marriage relationship, if you want to win in your future marriage, you have to die to that “me first” attitude and give birth to “other centered actions”. This is what the Bible teaches: Me first – you lose, others-centered – you win.
When it comes to words, I have learned how powerful they are once I had kids. Prior to that, I had not realized how hurtful an offhanded comment can be, how hurtful it can be to have to “win” during these moments.
1. You can TEAR DOWN and lose or you can BUILD UP and win with your words.
If you’ve seen Disney’s “The Kid” you know how hurtful words can be and how simple statements can change the course of our family. They showed a picture of a heartless executive with a reputation for firing and putting people out of jobs ithout so much as a thought. What caused this? In the movie his dad would tell him to “Man up” He would tell him to stop being a baby.
Ever said those words? Students, have you ever told your parents, “I hate you?” Raise your hand if you have ever HEARD those words or spoken those words to a parent. Now is the time to come clean.
Proverbs 12:18, “Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing.”
That’s what they’re like. Words are like a sword. James chapter 3 talks about this VERY issue. How many fires have been started by a small word? Maybe you have heard or said one of these things:
Think about the way words hurt. Words we might hear like, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” “Why can’t you be more like....?” “You’re lazy... You embarrass me...” “You’re SUCH a big baby…”
Or what about the words we use sometimes to our parents. “Why don’t you ever understand anything I tell you ...You’re so dumb... His mom/dad lets them do ‘this’. Why can’t you be a little bit more like them? Why can’t you just be a normal parent for once? I hate you...”
We do the same thing with our brothers and sisters: “You’re so stupid... You’re such an idiot... You’re such a wuss... Get away from me...”
Each of these is like a dagger. Each of these hurts and it’s remembered. It doesn’t just go on after the conversation’s done. It stays with that person. When this happens, every conversation either becomes offensive or defensive. Either you’re tearing down or you’re being torn down. All real communication stops.
When it says in Ephesians 6:2 to honor our parents, the word in the Greek is, τιμάω; tah-mäh'-ō; to fix value on something. What value do you place on those relationships? What can you do to change the vicious cycle?
Building up is “others-centered”. It’s when I look at my family, whoever they might be – mom, dad, brother, sister – what words can I say that might build them up? I know that is a foreign thought.
My kids today when they wake up, my 8-year-old is not going to go into his sister’s room and go, “Candace! Good morning! I love you, sunshine!” That’s just not happening. It’s not reality. We barely even acknowledge people in our family.
I want you to see this “others-centered” idea as your words giving life. Just imagine the people in your family are a balloon – one of those long, thin ones. Your words inflate, your words give life or tear down.
Try this just for a week. See if this makes any difference. Most of your parents, your family members, will think you’re on drugs if you do this. Just try one time a day to say a kind word to each person. For some of you who are a little more advanced, I’d say, say a kind sentence! But some of you just need to stick to words though.
· “I appreciate the way that you treated me....
· I like the way that you do this...
· It makes me feel good when you say...”
The other thing is take back a hurtful word. Meaning, “I was thinking that last week I said ‘this’ and I just want to say I’m sorry. I take it back.” You want to win, you’re others-centered. You want to lose, you’re “me first”.
2. You can be UNGRATEFUL and lose, or be THANKFUL and win.
It’s amazing to me how deserving I think I am sometimes, how much I think I deserve to get and I need to be served by my family. It makes sense sometimes. We were born to our parents and God's given them the responsibility to take care of us. But there comes a point where we have a responsibility to the family too.
1 Timothy 5:8, “And anyone who won’t care for his own relatives when they need help, especially those living in his own family, has no right to say that he is a Christian. Such a person is worse than the person who does not believe in God.”
We take family for granted so much. Whenever the kids are away, or even if I am away, I miss the hugs and the sweetness that kids have at this age. It’s so nice to be desired by my kids and for them to want to spend time with me and so I want to enjoy that as long as possible. I try not to turn down invitations to swim or to play wii or even to play tag in the yard with all the neighborhood kids.
It’s my desire that as my kids look back during their teen years that they will have those memories to draw from and to be able to look back with a thankfulness and with gratitude. But the truth is, they forget.
Sometimes they forget to thank us for taking them out to dinner, they forget to thank us for clean clothes and for good meals or a roof over their head. They don’t even have the ability to realize just HOW much money soccer camp costs, or cheer camp, or having a computer with lightening fast internet connection and cable and that all that stuff costs money.
US News did a study a while back; one and a half million dollars to raise a child of a middle-income family in the United States. Yet the money is the smallest of the investments compared to the time and the unbelievable energy. If they never did anything for us for the rest of our lives we owe them so much thanks.
I read a story this week about a little boy named David. David was born without an immune system that functioned properly. They had to place him inside a plastic covering so that he wouldn’t be exposed to the germs and bacteria that could kill him – any virus, any flu. The reporter asked David, “If you could get outside of this bubble, what would you want to do?” He said, “I’d want to walk in the grass with my shoes off and I’d want to touch the hand of my mother.” How many times have we touched the hand of our mother? How many times have we gotten to be with our parents? We have so much to be grateful for and when we don’t realize that, it defeats everything.
If you look in your notes where it says “Small Step Ideas”, look at the second one – list 10 great things. Take the time to write 10 great things about your family. If you say, “I don’t have anything to be thankful for.” This is one of the strategies of life that when you want to change an attitude, when you’re feeling down, just begin to list the things that you are thankful for.
This is may be the best idea you’re going to get today. I’m going to save you thousands of dollars. Write a thank you letter. Forget buying your parents presents for the rest of your life. Write them a letter. When my kids write me a letter I want to frame it, I want to keep it, I want to get a tattoo on my chest of it. That is something. What it says to a parent is this: My kid thought about me.
If I were to ask your parent to come up front and to tell everyone what makes it tough to raise a kid, some would say one of the reasons we have so much tension in our family is my kid is a me-first kid.
So when a me-first kid takes time to write a letter and express thankfulness, all of a sudden a parent is blown away. You’ll get a 10 percent change in your family by just writing that letter. Even if you’re a parent, don’t underestimate the power to write a letter to your grown parents or even to a parent that may be deceased. It can be liberating for both of you.
3. You can be BITTER and lose or you can FORGIVE and win.
Have you ever been around a bitter person? They’re not a lot of fun. They have this weight on them. They’re the kind of person where you’re walking along and you drop something and from across the room they’ll go, “Way to go! Good one Mr. Coordination!” These people often communicate with a lot of sarcasm.
It’s like they have this sickness in their stomach and every time they talk to you they want to vomit some of it in your face. It’s this bitterness, this disease.
We hold onto things. Maybe it’s a broken promise from your parents a long time ago that you’ve allowed, that keeps you from trusting them now. Maybe you feel like your parents are holding onto something from years ago and because of that they still don’t trust you. There’s a blockade there. You don’t even want to please them anymore because you feel like no matter what you do from this point on, they’re never going to let go of that. So I really have no hope because they’ll never let go.
You always lose when you’re bitter because it makes you look at everything for the worst; looking for ammunition. Looking for something you can grab onto and have on your side so you can shoot it at the other team when a conversation comes up.
“Remember this... What about when you did this... I can’t believe you because remember when you did this...” Bitterness is a negative worldview and it turns everything into ammunition.
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven. -Thomas Fuller
Forgiving is a very difficult thing to do. One of the reasons why, is we feel that when someone’s hurt, me they need to come to me. The problem is if you have hurt me, chances are you may not even know it. You may be sitting there hurt by a brother or sister, a mom or dad and they’re out dancing and having a party and don’t even know it. So what’s happening in your life because you have not forgiven them? That just gives birth to bitterness and becomes the nastiness that Ryan was talking about. If you want to win in those family relationships, you’ve got to forgive.
Ephesians 4:31vv. “Stop being bitter or angry or mad. Quarreling, harsh words or dislike of others should have no place in your life. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted forgiving one another just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.”
Those of you who are Christians, you are never more like Jesus Christ than when you forgive. And you will never forgive somebody else more than God has already forgiven you. You want to win in your family? You’ve got to learn to be a forgiver.
When you’re upset use “I” and “me” words. I don’t say, “You made me...” “You drive me...” As soon as I do, the you what happens? Defensiveness shoots up and all of a sudden we’ve got a battle.
But if I’m to use words like “I feel really insecure when you use words like that.” Or “I feel angry when you treat me like this.” All of a sudden the defensiveness is down and it begins to pave away for some healing that desperately needs to take place in your house. If you want to win, you forgive. That’s an others-centered action.
One Last Thought:
“He has honor if he holds himself to an ideal of conduct though it is inconvenient, unprofitable, or dangerous to do so.” -Walter Lippmann
It is seldom going to be the easy thing, it will NEVER feel like the profitable thing, but it will ALWAYS b the right thing to honor your family.
Ephesians 6:1-3 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Parents LOVE this verse. Raise your hand if you have ever used THIS verse? It’s popular.
But for SOME reason we rarely venture down the dark alleyway of TRUTH into the very NEXT verse. If you’re like me, you want to conveniently forget the next truth to dwell on the OBVIOUS! “Honor me, or die!” Right? It’s like the phrase made popular by iconic fathers like Bill Cosby, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.” If you’re in ministry like me, you may opt for the less popular, “I’m gonna KNOCK you out, and PRAY YOUBACK!” But listen to this:
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Whether or not you choose the whole passage or just a portion of it, it is still there, it still begs to be obeyed by BOTH parents and kids. What I want to do is to share some thoughts on the family.
Not because I have the perfect family, but because I am still learning and there are some things that God has reveled to ME in my almost 14 years of marriage and in my almost 11 years of having kids.
In our house there is a constant battle for the front seat. I am SURE that I did this as a kid and have forgotten, but this particular issue in MY family has sparked MORE conversations on putting OTHERS first because my kids are interested in that coveted position of riding shotgun. This is such an esteemed position that if you were to Google search there is a website devoted to the rules associated with helping you to WIN.
But if you want to win, if you want to win in your family, if you want to win in your marriage relationship, if you want to win in your future marriage, you have to die to that “me first” attitude and give birth to “other centered actions”. This is what the Bible teaches: Me first – you lose, others-centered – you win.
When it comes to words, I have learned how powerful they are once I had kids. Prior to that, I had not realized how hurtful an offhanded comment can be, how hurtful it can be to have to “win” during these moments.
1. You can TEAR DOWN and lose or you can BUILD UP and win with your words.
If you’ve seen Disney’s “The Kid” you know how hurtful words can be and how simple statements can change the course of our family. They showed a picture of a heartless executive with a reputation for firing and putting people out of jobs ithout so much as a thought. What caused this? In the movie his dad would tell him to “Man up” He would tell him to stop being a baby.
Ever said those words? Students, have you ever told your parents, “I hate you?” Raise your hand if you have ever HEARD those words or spoken those words to a parent. Now is the time to come clean.
Proverbs 12:18, “Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing.”
That’s what they’re like. Words are like a sword. James chapter 3 talks about this VERY issue. How many fires have been started by a small word? Maybe you have heard or said one of these things:
Think about the way words hurt. Words we might hear like, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” “Why can’t you be more like....?” “You’re lazy... You embarrass me...” “You’re SUCH a big baby…”
Or what about the words we use sometimes to our parents. “Why don’t you ever understand anything I tell you ...You’re so dumb... His mom/dad lets them do ‘this’. Why can’t you be a little bit more like them? Why can’t you just be a normal parent for once? I hate you...”
We do the same thing with our brothers and sisters: “You’re so stupid... You’re such an idiot... You’re such a wuss... Get away from me...”
Each of these is like a dagger. Each of these hurts and it’s remembered. It doesn’t just go on after the conversation’s done. It stays with that person. When this happens, every conversation either becomes offensive or defensive. Either you’re tearing down or you’re being torn down. All real communication stops.
When it says in Ephesians 6:2 to honor our parents, the word in the Greek is, τιμάω; tah-mäh'-ō; to fix value on something. What value do you place on those relationships? What can you do to change the vicious cycle?
Building up is “others-centered”. It’s when I look at my family, whoever they might be – mom, dad, brother, sister – what words can I say that might build them up? I know that is a foreign thought.
My kids today when they wake up, my 8-year-old is not going to go into his sister’s room and go, “Candace! Good morning! I love you, sunshine!” That’s just not happening. It’s not reality. We barely even acknowledge people in our family.
I want you to see this “others-centered” idea as your words giving life. Just imagine the people in your family are a balloon – one of those long, thin ones. Your words inflate, your words give life or tear down.
Try this just for a week. See if this makes any difference. Most of your parents, your family members, will think you’re on drugs if you do this. Just try one time a day to say a kind word to each person. For some of you who are a little more advanced, I’d say, say a kind sentence! But some of you just need to stick to words though.
· “I appreciate the way that you treated me....
· I like the way that you do this...
· It makes me feel good when you say...”
The other thing is take back a hurtful word. Meaning, “I was thinking that last week I said ‘this’ and I just want to say I’m sorry. I take it back.” You want to win, you’re others-centered. You want to lose, you’re “me first”.
2. You can be UNGRATEFUL and lose, or be THANKFUL and win.
It’s amazing to me how deserving I think I am sometimes, how much I think I deserve to get and I need to be served by my family. It makes sense sometimes. We were born to our parents and God's given them the responsibility to take care of us. But there comes a point where we have a responsibility to the family too.
1 Timothy 5:8, “And anyone who won’t care for his own relatives when they need help, especially those living in his own family, has no right to say that he is a Christian. Such a person is worse than the person who does not believe in God.”
We take family for granted so much. Whenever the kids are away, or even if I am away, I miss the hugs and the sweetness that kids have at this age. It’s so nice to be desired by my kids and for them to want to spend time with me and so I want to enjoy that as long as possible. I try not to turn down invitations to swim or to play wii or even to play tag in the yard with all the neighborhood kids.
It’s my desire that as my kids look back during their teen years that they will have those memories to draw from and to be able to look back with a thankfulness and with gratitude. But the truth is, they forget.
Sometimes they forget to thank us for taking them out to dinner, they forget to thank us for clean clothes and for good meals or a roof over their head. They don’t even have the ability to realize just HOW much money soccer camp costs, or cheer camp, or having a computer with lightening fast internet connection and cable and that all that stuff costs money.
US News did a study a while back; one and a half million dollars to raise a child of a middle-income family in the United States. Yet the money is the smallest of the investments compared to the time and the unbelievable energy. If they never did anything for us for the rest of our lives we owe them so much thanks.
I read a story this week about a little boy named David. David was born without an immune system that functioned properly. They had to place him inside a plastic covering so that he wouldn’t be exposed to the germs and bacteria that could kill him – any virus, any flu. The reporter asked David, “If you could get outside of this bubble, what would you want to do?” He said, “I’d want to walk in the grass with my shoes off and I’d want to touch the hand of my mother.” How many times have we touched the hand of our mother? How many times have we gotten to be with our parents? We have so much to be grateful for and when we don’t realize that, it defeats everything.
If you look in your notes where it says “Small Step Ideas”, look at the second one – list 10 great things. Take the time to write 10 great things about your family. If you say, “I don’t have anything to be thankful for.” This is one of the strategies of life that when you want to change an attitude, when you’re feeling down, just begin to list the things that you are thankful for.
This is may be the best idea you’re going to get today. I’m going to save you thousands of dollars. Write a thank you letter. Forget buying your parents presents for the rest of your life. Write them a letter. When my kids write me a letter I want to frame it, I want to keep it, I want to get a tattoo on my chest of it. That is something. What it says to a parent is this: My kid thought about me.
If I were to ask your parent to come up front and to tell everyone what makes it tough to raise a kid, some would say one of the reasons we have so much tension in our family is my kid is a me-first kid.
So when a me-first kid takes time to write a letter and express thankfulness, all of a sudden a parent is blown away. You’ll get a 10 percent change in your family by just writing that letter. Even if you’re a parent, don’t underestimate the power to write a letter to your grown parents or even to a parent that may be deceased. It can be liberating for both of you.
3. You can be BITTER and lose or you can FORGIVE and win.
Have you ever been around a bitter person? They’re not a lot of fun. They have this weight on them. They’re the kind of person where you’re walking along and you drop something and from across the room they’ll go, “Way to go! Good one Mr. Coordination!” These people often communicate with a lot of sarcasm.
It’s like they have this sickness in their stomach and every time they talk to you they want to vomit some of it in your face. It’s this bitterness, this disease.
We hold onto things. Maybe it’s a broken promise from your parents a long time ago that you’ve allowed, that keeps you from trusting them now. Maybe you feel like your parents are holding onto something from years ago and because of that they still don’t trust you. There’s a blockade there. You don’t even want to please them anymore because you feel like no matter what you do from this point on, they’re never going to let go of that. So I really have no hope because they’ll never let go.
You always lose when you’re bitter because it makes you look at everything for the worst; looking for ammunition. Looking for something you can grab onto and have on your side so you can shoot it at the other team when a conversation comes up.
“Remember this... What about when you did this... I can’t believe you because remember when you did this...” Bitterness is a negative worldview and it turns everything into ammunition.
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven. -Thomas Fuller
Forgiving is a very difficult thing to do. One of the reasons why, is we feel that when someone’s hurt, me they need to come to me. The problem is if you have hurt me, chances are you may not even know it. You may be sitting there hurt by a brother or sister, a mom or dad and they’re out dancing and having a party and don’t even know it. So what’s happening in your life because you have not forgiven them? That just gives birth to bitterness and becomes the nastiness that Ryan was talking about. If you want to win in those family relationships, you’ve got to forgive.
Ephesians 4:31vv. “Stop being bitter or angry or mad. Quarreling, harsh words or dislike of others should have no place in your life. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted forgiving one another just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.”
Those of you who are Christians, you are never more like Jesus Christ than when you forgive. And you will never forgive somebody else more than God has already forgiven you. You want to win in your family? You’ve got to learn to be a forgiver.
When you’re upset use “I” and “me” words. I don’t say, “You made me...” “You drive me...” As soon as I do, the you what happens? Defensiveness shoots up and all of a sudden we’ve got a battle.
But if I’m to use words like “I feel really insecure when you use words like that.” Or “I feel angry when you treat me like this.” All of a sudden the defensiveness is down and it begins to pave away for some healing that desperately needs to take place in your house. If you want to win, you forgive. That’s an others-centered action.
One Last Thought:
“He has honor if he holds himself to an ideal of conduct though it is inconvenient, unprofitable, or dangerous to do so.” -Walter Lippmann
It is seldom going to be the easy thing, it will NEVER feel like the profitable thing, but it will ALWAYS b the right thing to honor your family.
It's so easy to forget Proverbs 12:18 - that is until the hurtful words have already exited our mouths.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder.
Thanks Jubes. Kind of you to read...
ReplyDelete